The Q Effect
by Seska1729
Summary: Portals and wagons, starships and motorbikes... here we go. Part of the Omniverse Event.
1. Crossover

"Say, Calvin," Hobbes said. "Do you think we should avoid that portal?"

As usual, Calvin and Hobbes were riding their rickety red wagon down a formation only known as "Sneer Hill."

"Nah, we're going into it," Calvin cheerfully replied.

Several cries of something to the effect of "MERCY ON MY SOUL" later...

* * *

 _ **STARDATE 51090.0 (FEBRUARY 23, 2374)  
**_ _ **SOMEWHERE IN THE DELTA QUADRANT**_

"I'm reading a chroniton disturbance directly in front of us, sir," Harry Kim reported.

"On screen."

It turned out to be a portal.

A red wagon came out of the portal, its occupants apparently shrieking something.

"Analyze that."

A few seconds later, it came out as this:

 **OCCUPANT 1:** INTREPID-CLASS VESSEL! TRANSPORT US ABOARD!  
 **OCCUPANT 2:** AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

B'Elanna Torres rolled her eyes. "Beam the kid and the tiger aboard. As for the wagon, it will survive anything."

"Including being hit by a starship at warp?"

"For all I know, it _has_ been hit by a starship at warp _twice_. Just do it."

* * *

"Welcome to the Federation, Hobbes," Calvin muttered. "Someone forgot to invent the fuse, so all their consoles blow up and inevitably kill redshirts. Also, _no seatbelts._ Seriously. You'd think an organizatiion that gets pushed around as much as them would invent the seatbelt at least _once._ "

Everyone in the command division blinked.

B'Elanna started furiously writing a list of improvements.

"So how do you know me, anyway?" Calvin inquired.

"Time is not a straight progr-"

"So, time travel, then?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

* * *

In the shadows, a small Bajoran female was compiling a report to Command.

The Omniverse Event was underway.


	2. Crossover, Part 2

The turbolift doors whooshed open. A girl who looked to be about Calvin's age ran in.

"Sorry I'm late," she wheezed. "I was attempting to optimize warp output, and the power drained, and the public address system for that region went offline, so I didn't hear your message, so I only got notified when I went over to the armory for components, and the turbolift didn't work on Deck 11 for some reason, so I had to use the Jeffries tubes to get to a functional lift, and whoa that is probably a record long sentence! Sixty-six words?!" She looked at Calvin. "Oh, hey. Sorry about that. My name's Naomi Wildman, what's yours?"

Calvin's mind was spinning.

 _What. What. In the series, Naomi Wildman is a throwaway comic relief character. What. What.  
_

"Calvin. My name's Calvin."

Naomi cocked her head. "Calvin, as in that comic strip from the eighties?"

 _WHAT._

 _Oh. Well, I guess it makes sense. This universe is fictional in mine, mine might as well be in hers._

 _Nope. That makes no sense at all._

 _And how do I explain the continuity errors? Naomi never did anything useful in the series. The timeline's close enough to canon, but she's a glaring plot hole in this._

 _How did she even get bridge officer status, anyway? In the series, she basically amounted to a hyperactive yeoman...  
_

"Hello?"

Beat.

"Calvin? You still there?"

" _...Get me out of range of the mentally unstable captain..._ "

"HEY! I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!"

" _She's basically a Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds, except she does it intentionally most of the time..._ "

" **HEY!** "

Naomi cocked her head to the other side. "What's a Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds?"

" _Have you heard of Mystery Science Theater 3000..._ "

Calvin promptly collapsed.

"Not to interrupt, but I'm standing right here," Hobbes deadpanned.

All eyes turned to the tiger.

"Well, can you drag the kid to sickbay? It feels like he ate a sack of bricks for lunch."

* * *

Calvin woke to a very annoying beeping noise.

He instinctively rolled over, and promptly fell on the floor.

"You appear to have a clean bill of health," a voice stated.

Calvin opened his eyes.

Blackness.

Calvin rolled over.

The ceiling was domed, patterned, and lit. He could make out the form of a tricorder on a shelf, and what appeared to be ten hyposprays containing various liquids.

There was no doubt about it. This was an _Intrepid_ -class sickbay.

And right next to him was a Mark I EMH, horrible bedside manner and all.

"Can I leave now?"

"I don't see why not."

* * *

"Computer, commbadge. Computer, directions to the briefing room."

" _Register commbadge under what name?_ "

"Calvin. Alternative: Boyyyyyyy... of _Destiny._ "

" _Commbadge will respond to 'Calvin' and 'Boy of Destiny.' If this is incorrect, press 1. If this is correct, press star._ "

Calvin groaned in disbelief, and pressed the 'star' button on the numpad.

" _Press 1 to confirm. Press 2 to cancel. Press 8 to speak to a live person._ "

Calvin pressed 8. _  
_

" _You are now on hold. You are in 10th place in the queue._ "

A cheery muzak song played over the speakers.

* * *

 **ELEVEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-ONE SECONDS LATER...**

" _What do you want?_ "

"Oh. Um, hey Seven. I'm trying to replicate a commbadge, and the UI is horrible. It seemingly decided it was a phone voice operator, to the point that it put me on hold for ten minutes to get me connected to you. It felt like I was, I dunno, getting SAT scores over the phone."

" _Computer, complete commbadge request. Authorization code Wildman-zeta-7-4-2. Oh hey Calvin!_ "

The commbadge materialized in the replicator slot. A large red arrow appeared on the screen.

Calvin pinned the commbadge to his shirt. "Listen, can I meet you in the briefing room?"

" _Sounds good._ "

The line ended.

" _All senior staff report to the main briefing room on Deck 1._ "


End file.
